Since it was brought up by Alyson, I thought I would clear the air about what was happening behind the scenes on the show with myself when she was going up for elimination this last week. I almost feel stupid talking about it, as I have mixed feelings over it still.

Ok, so at this point in the house the drama as ceased for a bit, everyone seems to be getting along and not fighting as much… for now.  As nice as this was for a few days, during this lull is one of the worst times in the house for me as Alyson comes in last and is up for elimination. What the show doesn’t reveal and what some of you will know inherently is how much I adore and respect Alyson and our friendship. Since Dante won this challenge (no offense he shouldn’t have as I thought Jamal and myself did much better them him and should have taken second, although Geoff was awesome) I am 100% certain that I will be going up against Alyson next.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster in the house so far, I think going in knowing and caring about so many people really was against my advantage, but bottom line is I was done at this point. To have taken Kelly out a couple of days ago, and now have to potentially take Alyson out was a no go for me.  My whole goal was to TRY and represent women gaming positively and to assist in getting as many girls to the finals as I could to increase the odds of a female winning the competition- as that would be a huge statement for female gaming overall.

After the game challenge I am upset first and resigned second that I was going up again against Alyson this time and ask to speak to the producers. At this point I tell them in no way am I potentially taking out another girl first and secondly I cannot throw the match as that isn’t in me and would like to forfeit. I am not saying Alyson might not have been able to beat me by any means, I am just saying I didn’t want to take that chance.

I had two reasons for doing this. Number one is I truly felt Alyson had the best chance in that house to win it overall and most certainly the best on the female side.  It’s not to undermine anyone else or my own gaming abilities, it’s the truth as I saw it knowing Alyson’s ability on many of the games coming up and her ability on the games already played.  So she forgot the lyrics on the song in the physical challenge, that was the THE hardest job on the physical challenge and I would have loved to see any of the others try this. She can play expert on the instruments and she certainly showed up everyone else on the fighting game and her main games were still to come.

Number 2, potentially taking out another girl, especially the closest friend I had in the house and the one I thought had the best chance to win, went against everything I believed in and wanted to happen.  I thought it was already making the girls look bad so early in the game that two girls would go head to head, back to back. I really wanted no part of it at that point. Anyway, as I said there was no way I thought Dante wasn’t picking me and I was resigned with a whole speech and a go ahead from producers of how I would bow out for Alyson.  I was most certainly shocked and relieved that I wasn’t picked of course.

I will admit, after Alyson was gone, I thought long and hard about this and realized that I was glad it didn’t happen as that in itself wasn’t the way I wanted to represent female gaming either. I want people to realize that women are just as competitive as men, but there I almost let emotions overrule a competitive drive to win- something that I DON’T want to represent. So, in a way I am ashamed of what I almost did for the image of female gaming, but I am not ashamed for myself personally.  This was a big moment of awakening for me in the house, and in a way I am glad they didn’t show the whole ordeal it on the show, as frankly I have been crying and emotional enough.

And that’s the back story on Alyson’s elimination from where I was sitting. Alyson, I really wish you could have been there longer and I thought you deserved to be there till the end.

As for the title of this blog, I know some will say this was very stupid and some will support what I almost did.  I thought it was a little bit of both in the end. What can you do but try to do the right then when situations happen… whatever you feel that may be at the time.