So, I have been thinking a lot lately about what it about how my competitive gaming started and is evolving into. The industry is changing so much, that it makes my head spin about where the heck am I, and it, going?  Just a few years ago I helped start a clan that would become one of the most well known clans and literally has become synonymous with the idea of girl gaming.  Did I plan for it to become so infamous, did we plan it to grow like it did, did we have any idea that it would become so much more then a clan of girls who just want to play together to show the guys we could hang with them? No. We didn’t have any idea of where we would be headed, nor frankly did we really care. It was our passion, our heart, and simply a fun obsession and in many ways I wish it had remained that.

Now, it’s all different and with that there is a lot of good and a lot of bad. I now have a career in gaming that I balance with my clan, and my heart swells thinking about PMS Clan and Frag Dolls. Yet at the same time it is breaking into a million shards that constantly pierce every ounce of my being.  Most of the things that are negative that I deal with for my PMS Clan, because I have such a huge role and responsibility to them, but both groups are an enormous part of my life, my heart, and I am fully dedicated to both- which is a really tough thing to juggle when it all boils down.  I know everyone thinks it’s all great and everything to have a name built in this community and to get paid to play games and do what I do and they are right there is so much great stuff and I am blessed. But with that comes the weight of the world and the constant struggle to stay true to myself and my beliefs and my values as well as represent something much more then myself. Frag Dolls opened the door into starting a career into gaming and it’s been a great ride so far, but when we signed onto this job it became even more important that we take steps carefully and represent appropriately. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs to both Frag Dolls and PMS people “IM JUST A FING GAMER!!!”

My beliefs are that I want my clan and the Frag Dolls to be pure and good and for the right reasons- it’s not about sponsorship, it’s not about a name, it’s not about money, it’s not about me or you.  I know that gamers need support to have opportunities for our futures. I also believe that somehow the integrity of what a clan or girl gaming team is must be protected. Most importantly I believe we have to compete and play games for fun and enjoyment as well as competition.  The struggles I deal with on a day to day basis in regards to my clans, my job, my online identities have somehow overtaken my life and I am in a stupor trying to get everything done the right way, figure out what things have priorities, and remaining ethical as I deal with lots of conflicts of interests by being a part of both groups.

Do we work with this company at all, do they care about us or just for themselves, do we support what a sponsor wants to do, what impact does this have on girl gamers, what impact does this have on gaming in general, what perceptions will people have when this becomes public, what more can we do to support the industry, where can we get money for girls to compete, when did people start joining clans for sponsorship or the name instead of because they cared, why do people in clans play in other rooms instead of with their clan mates, how do I deal with the drama queen starting trouble and badmouthing my heart, how do we approach a negative attack, why should some people get to represent a team when they don’t even give a shit about it, how is it fair that so many people get overlooked because of other people making noise, who gets priority on an interview, what should I say where it wouldn’t piss people off, how do I remember I am always representing something that means more then me, why won’t my phone stop ringing with drama on the other end, how do I deal with people that don’t treat me like a regular person because my name is a little more well known then some, why can’t people just let me play a game in peace for 10 minutes instead of always having an “issue” that needs my attention.

You see I made some choices in my life that have lead me down this road and it’s a road that is worth it but has a million bumps on the way. My life is not my own and every move I make has to be made for others before myself and sometimes that just plain sucks.  Sometimes I want to just go back to the good old days before Halo 2 and get on Rainbow with my clan and play 6 hours of clan matches, laugh with my girls, and have a good old time. The days where you knew everyone was really your friend, the days where we all cared about each other and we knew everyone’s given name and not just their gamertag, the day where we I had TIME to give to the people that were truly my best friends, and the day where people didn’t think about sponsorship when they came into our house, they came in for sisterhood and friendship. 

There is no way to regress of course and I guess I am just having a bad day as I am sitting here writing and this is what I was feeling when I sat down.  this I do believe that the greater attention anyone can bring to the gaming world is good because it brings so much potential back to the gamers themselves, but I am a little nostalgic of dreaming about how we used to have fun and play and nothing was a responsibility, it was a fun passion.  It still is a passion for sure, but the fun gets lost in the red tape, the duty I have to others and my job, and the pure drama that comes with dealing with a million people you hardly even know with both communities and clan mates.  I miss having the chance to really build friendships, I miss the time I had to maintain those friendships, and I really just miss my friends overall because I don’t get to have much time with them anymore. It’s not that I don’t agree with many people that I am one of the luckiest people on the earth right now, it is simply at this moment right now I am missing the old days of being a regular Joe in a regular clan, in a regular world without any responsibility other than to play.