I’m on a Mission (the crappiest mission ever):  to get all 1000 achievement points in Blue Dragon.  I’m embarrassed to admit how much I actually play this game.  With my head hanging low and my soul feeling ashamed (my soul!), I log into Xbox Live and set my profile to “Appear Offline”.  I’m on disc three, with over 60 hours logged in, and only 120 gamer points to show for it. I don’t know why I feel like I have to get all 1000 achievement points; maybe it has to do with getting the full value out of the game.  No, that can’t be it.  My Ben got the game for free, so I’d have nothing to lose if I never removed it from the plastic.  It’s a self-set goal, with no purpose except to fulfill the burning evil driving me to put the disc in every time I look at my 360. 

I’ll tell you why I’m so ashamed of playing it, that way you can have a reason to hate me for it. To start with, the storyline, like many Japanese RPGs, is poorly developed.  Purple clouds and land sharks are curses set on towns by Nene, the main villain in the game. I can’t help but shake my head as more and more of the story unfolds.  The dialog is brainless and the enemies have silly names and attacks… but not silly in the sense that Psychonauts was silly, silly in the sense that a five year old could have come up with it.  Yesterday, I had a monster attack me in the turn-based fighting mode by “yelling insults”, which decreased the team morale. With monsters like the Poo Snake, Golden Poo Snake, Zebra Poo Snake, Platinum Poo Snake, and Compost Poo Snake, you can imagine the creative brain-power behind the game.  Don’t worry though, not all the monsters have to do with poo… there’s plenty of variety. 

Another reason I guiltily play Blue Dragon under the radar, is because of all the other fantastic games I’m leaving unplayed on my shelf.  I have not touched BioShock!  I keep telling myself that it’s a gem, and I’m waiting to savor it for when I can sit down and play it all the way through.  What good is the gem if it’s not appreciated?  How can I appreciate it if I don’t play it?  Not only that, but I also recently got a PS3 which prompted me to go out and buy a bunch of games.  Heavenly Sword, Ratchet and Clank, Resistance, and Rainbow Six: Vegas cry everyday that I choose Blue Dragon over them. Not to mention, all the amazing 360 shooters that get less attention with this cursed RPG stealing my attention.

I have an achievement on Blue Dragon worth zero gamer points.  Ouch!  Not only that, there are TWO of these pointless zero-point achievements!  It’s like they are making fun of you for getting it—an achievement worth zero points sticks out like a kindergartener’s tongue. Makes me wonder if there are other games out there have achievements worth zero points.  Do you guys know of any?  Anyway, thanks for laughing at me, game.

I can only deduce the reason for my infatuation with this lame-o game being due to the challenge it presents.  Just by existing the game taunts me, “There’s no way you could possibly play this stupid game long enough to get all the achievement points.” What?! A CHALLENGE?!  I accept!  And thus my spineless journey continues.